Aint nothin like a heartache
by Trixfan
Summary: Honey consideres her past and her future.  She goes to see her best friend, to talk about it, but will it make her feel better or worse about the biggest decision of her life?


Nothing but Heartache

_This room_, Honey Wheeler looked at her surrounding, scrutinising them for the first time in her adult life, _has seen some changes in the last sixteen years._

The room, _**her**_ bedroom, had started life as a virginal white sanctuary. Its walls covered in a pristine white paint. The windows and bed covered in white lace chintz befitting the sheltered thirteen year old daughter of New Yorks most successful and eloquent entrepreneur.

_I was so young, so naïve when Mother and Daddy moved__ into this house_, Honey reminisced with a heavy sigh. _I had been wrapped in cotton wool because of who I was. Then I started to grow up. I fell in love and the world was tinted by my rose coloured glasses_.

So her sanctuary had become a pink and gold temple to love and other teenaged catastrophes around the age of seventeen. Curiously the redecoration of the room, to soft pink walls, rose and gold matching duvet and curtains had coincided with her first date and the relationship which followed it. Even the en suit bathroom had been completely renovated to match the theme of her most private and intimate dreams. This space had become an island stamped with Honey's personality in the large, bustling household. A claw foot bath was surrounded by renaissance style mosaic tiles and gold tap wear. And the door to her walk in dressing room had been exchanged for a floor to ceiling mirror allowing a somewhat self absorbed, preening teenager time to admire herself.

At twenty four, Honey had out grown her temple but not her love. She had become an earthmother, wanting what all twenty something girls in a long term relationship wanted. She longed for her own home, a like-minded life partner and children. So once again her surroundings had expressed her greatest desire. The walls had become sky blue, the curtains terracotta, russet and deep browns. Her bed was now covered in an Aztec print of the same colours. Only her bathroom retained a passionate tone, underpinning her deepest romantic fantasies.

And finally, earlier this year, Honey once again redecorated. Now her room was emotionless, expressionless and beige. The polished wood of her new bedroom suite contained the only colour in the static room. The en suit renovation followed a month later, talking on a hotel like neutrality.

_Now_, the reflection became a sudden, blinding realisation, _I understand changing my environment was only a symptom, an expression of what I was feeling._

Walking over to her beige duvet cover, Honey sat on her bed for the very last time. Reaching out, she picked up the wooden framed picture. It had taken pride of place on the lamp table for almost fourteen years and was the only object in the room to have survived the renovations. Seven young people stood in the photo, laughing and smiling, arms linked.

_I was__ just fifteen when this photograph was taken by the lake._ A smile crept across her lips as she remembered the bittersweet day, only one week before Brian and Jim left for collage. Trixie stood in the middle, between Honey and Di in the front row. Mart, Dan, Brian and Jim situated behind the girls were attempting to keep straight faces. Celia Delaney, having no photographic experience and endeavouring to take the photo was ignoring her husband's instructions. I _thought the picture turned out very well in spite of all the men trying to tell Celia what to do_. Shaking her head, Honey's smile momentarily deepened before turning into a frown. _How things have changed since that picture was taken._

Allowing herself one large, self piteous sigh, Honey removed the picture from the frame. _It's the only physical object from my past that I'll allow myself to take with me_, she promised, covering it with a handkerchief and storing it carefully in a side pocket of her hand bag. Setting the strap securely on her shoulder, Honey walked to the bedroom door, picked up a suitcase, took one last look over her shoulder before walking out of the room.

Stopping at the entry to her fathers study, Honey listened at the door for a few seconds. Safe in the knowledge Matthew Wheeler had gone into the office this morning and her mother was out to lunch with friends in New York, Honey stepped into the room. The cleaning service had already been, so she wouldn't be disturbed. Hiding her bags, she hurried over to her father's desk and turned on the computer. Calling up a word processing document, Honey's fingers flew over the keyboard, leaving the message she had spent countless hours composing in her mind. When she was satisfied with the result, Honey left the computer turned on. _Daddy will find this first thing when he comes home from the office tonight,_ she knew. Matthew Wheeler didn't finish work simply by relocating to his domicile at the close of business each day. _Maybe tonight Daddy will forget about work, when he reads my note_. It was a faint hope, Honey knew.

The little red convertible was parked where she had left it earlier this morning. Honey hadn't wanted anyone to realise what she was going to do today, so she had followed her usual routine. Up at seven, Honey had swallowed a quick breakfast of low fat yoghurt, fruit and juice before getting off to the gym and an hour session with her personal trainer starting at eight. Then it was the regular coffee at ten with Di before coming home for a few hours. Finally, Honey had planed lunch with her sister-in-law at twelve thirty. Storing the suit case in the trunk of the little red car, she climbed into the driver's seat, started the engine and proceeded down the sloping driveway at her usual sedate pace.

Slowing down, Honey glanced at Crabapple Farm_. Why have none of the Belden's have had any luck,_ she questioned, unable to account for changes in the fortunes of her friends and neighbours. Then Honey's problems reasserted themselves. Thinking about all the people she was going to hurt by her actions today, the young woman began to chew on her lower lip, as thought it could save her from the decision she had made last night. _But it can't_, she thought resolutely, _because I'm not going to let any one change my decision and that's final. For the first time in my life I'm going to do just exactly what is in my best interests._

Ten Acers, Mr and Mrs J Frayne, the sign at the bottom of the drive announced. Signalling her intention to turn, Honey allowed a momentary bittersweet smile. This morning had been filled with such memories. This one was particularly sweet, but just as bitter in comparison. Sweet because Honey adored her sister-in-law, bitter because Honey should have been married only a year or two less than her brother.

'Honey,' a harried blond, carrying a newborn in her arms rushed out of the front door before the car had come to a complete stop. Two boys clung to their mothers legs until they realised who was in the drive way.

'You going to play with us,' four year old Michael squealed, taking hold of one of his aunt's hands before she could get out of the car.

Picking two year old Simon out of the dirt on her way to the porch, Honey responded in with all the excitement she could muster, which was considerable around her niece's and nephew's. 'I've come for lunch with your mother and new baby sister.' At the look of disappointment on the little boys face, she added, 'but I think we can find some time to play with the present I brought for you and your brothers.'

'Where, where,' Michael jumped up and down, screeching with glee and hurried back to the car. Finding a brightly coloured package, he scooped it out of the car and began taring at the box.

'You really shouldn't have,' Mrs Frayne scolded her sister-in-law with a childlike grin on her face as she watched the enjoyment her eldest son was having with the toy.

'It's a great big fire truck, Mom,' Michael cried.

'I know,' Honey admitted, 'but I wanted to. And the boy's will have to share.'

The petite woman rolled her blue eye's and muttered under her breath. Before she could utter a reply, the boy interrupted.

'Hey, there's a teddy and some girly stuff in here too,' Michael sounded disappointed but continued to look for other packages.

'Yes,' Honey laughed, taking the little boys hand and herding him towards the front door, 'the teddy is for you new sister, and the make up for Sarah, Rachael and Mary.'

'I think you've covered all six little Frayne's with those presents, Honey, although the girls will have to wait until there're home from school to play with the makeup set,' a set of sparkling blue eye quizzed the unexpected offerings. 'There is a saying, beware of Greeks baring gifts.'

Glancing back over her shoulder at the white washed farm house in the hollow between Jim's property and her father's house, Honey turned to her sister-in-law but couldn't find the words she wanted. The distress she was feeling clouded her expression.

'Come inside, and we'll talk over a cup of tea while the boys destroy their new toy,' the blond woman offered, leading the way into the homely kitchen.

'Thanks Patty,' Honey answered, 'I could really use an impartial ear right now.'

'Could you put Madeline down in her cradle, it's on the sun porch and then play with the boys while I finish lunch,' Patty asked, trying to keep Honey busy until they could have a quiet moment when the children were napping. It took the best part of two hours before all three were asleep. 'So tell me what's wrong?'

'Everything and nothing,' Honey answered honestly. 'Patty, how did you know Jim was the one for you?'

'Getting nervous?' The older woman ignored the question.

'No,' Honey answered it anyway, 'just the feeling that I've made the biggest mistake of my life.'

Nodding sagely, Patty stoped, sipped her tea and then started quietly while staring into space. 'I knew your brother was the man for me after our first date. I was in my final year of college, four years Jims senior and he was only a sophomore. He was everything I always said I didn't want. He had major hang-ups from his childhood where I'd been the sheltered daughter of a preacher. He was involved with a girl from his home town that was his own age, and yet he was so much more mature than most of the guys I had dated that were older than me. Jim not only had money of his own, but your father's wealth behind him while I was poorer than a church mouse. In spite of all of this, Jim intrigued me enough to do something I though I could never do. I went against all of the principles and morals I had learnt growing up and… well I felt I hounded him for a second date.'

'I asked Jim once, what it was about me that made him come back for a seconds,' Patty turned her attention and big blue eyes on Honey, 'do you know what he told me.'

'Persistence pays off,' Honey answered without a second thought, 'and that you reminded him of Trixie.'

'You couldn't begin to understand how that statement hurt me,' Patty's voice was low, proving the pain was still etched on her memory with indelible ink, 'and how significantly my hurt affected Jim, not that I knew it at the time. I had gone against everything I believed in to get Jim to go out with me a second time, including convincing myself that his special friend back home couldn't care for him as I did. It took over week to persuade myself he wasn't going to call and that I had to take matters into my own hands. I saw him in the halls one day, and out it came, just like that. "I really like you Jim; will you take me to Jenny's party on Saturday night?" Jim just stared at me, as though I had suddenly grown two heads. My eye's welled up with tears I tried to fight, but couldn't. I wanted to run because I'd embarrassed myself so badly, yet I knew if I did, I'd be throwing away the only chance I had. I know he felt sorry for me and said yes just to make me feel better. We never made it to that party, somewhere along the way we got to talking and finished up in an all night café, just talking. We had more in common than we had originally thought.'

'And you've never regretted it,' Honey asked in a hushed tone, 'even though Trixie made your life miserable.'

'Trixie had every right to make my life miserable, at first,' Patty confessed. 'Trixie though she had a special understanding with Jim. Your brother had led her to believe that when she was older they would be more than friends. Trixie was only a few weeks off turning seventeen when I turned up with Jim for spring break and we announced our engagement.'

'Jim tried to tell her,' Honey defended her brother half heartedly, 'at Thanksgiving and Christmas.'

'My Husband is still just too nice, Honey,' Patty reminded with a wicked laugh. 'Jim hates doing anything which will hurt someone else's feelings. If only Trixie had realised that before I asked Jim for a second date, it would be your friend who is married to your brother instead of me.'

Shocked, Honey tried to say something, anything.

'I'm not saying Jim doesn't love me, or would love Trixie more if things had worked out differently. I came to the realisation a long time ago, that Jim's principles rule his behaviour. If Trixie had made Jim feel as though she had been terribly hurt by his actions and that he had caused her pain instead of blaming and attacking my character, things might very well have turned out differently. Trixie had a big advantage over me but never chose to use it because she really didn't take the time to understand what makes Jim react the way he does.' Patty put her cup down and placed her still warm hand of Honey's arm in a comforting gesture. 'Do you understand?' she asked gently.

Nodding, Honey took several minutes to think deeply. 'Poor Trixie,' Honey looked up into her sister-in-laws eyes.

'What about poor Honey,' Patty questioned.

'There is nothing poor about me,' Honey's hazel eye's flashed with long suppressed feeling. 'At least I'm not going to let myself become a victim of my own making. I'm taking a leaf out of your book, Patty. I'm going against everything I've been rased to be. I'm breaking free and for the first time in my life, I'm going to put myself and my feelings first.'

'Just make sure it's for all the right reasons, Honey,' Patty looked worried now. 'You still love him, don't you?' she asked, the quaver in her voice spoke of her uncertainty.

'I honestly don't know,' Honey sighed heavily. 'That's why I have to leave.'

Nodding sadly but with a strange understanding, Patty rose from the table and took the cups to the sink. 'Do you want me to tell Jim?'

'No,' Honey shook her head, placing an envelope on the table, 'that would be unfair of me to ask. But if you could give him this, I would appreciate it. It explains everything, even the things I don't have the courage to tell you.'

Still nodding, Patty came over to her sister-in-law and hugged her tightly. 'Will you see him before you go,' she asked.

'No,' Honey answered as she started for the door. 'I don't have the courage for that. He'll only try to convince me otherwise and I'll find myself accepting his explanations because it's what everyone wants to believe.'

'You included?' Patty questioned.

'Maybe,' Honey answered as honestly as she could. 'I have to go.'

Turning her little car towards the highway, Honey switched on the radio to belay the tears beginning to cloud her eyes. The song she found deepened her resolve not to shed another moment's useless emotion over her fiancée.

There's always there comes a day  
When love just goes away  
When there's no caring, no words to say  
There's no forgiving, no games to play  
When all you know will get you through  
Seems like you've known it all your life

It ain't nothin' but a heartache  
Darling, you'll get over it  
It ain't nothin' but a heartache  
Darling, you'll get over it

_I will get over it_, Honey promised herself, _it's nothing but heartache. And what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Just look at Trixie_.

And that was the problem. Trixie wasn't a good role model. At twenty nine, Trixie had never really gotten over Jim or his sudden marriage to Patty at the end of his junior year. Instead of going to college in New York, Trixie had chosen a school in California and then a career with the FBI. She had never been assigned to North Eastern corner at her request. Two years ago, Trixie had been transferred to a special task force investigating a serial killer in Perth, Australia. Currently she was on assignment in London.

_At least I know where I'm running too. _Honey knew her family wouldn't consider looking for her in London, especially with Trixie there. The two women had fallen out more than ten years ago. Not over Jim's choice of bride, although that episode had caused much tension and uneasiness between the two best friends. _No, the problem was me_, Honey had come to terms with that truth only a last night. _Trixie knew all along I was fooling myself, but once again she went about convincing me the wrong way._

Honey had chosen not to go to college, but to stay at home and help her mother with organising her charity events. The job turned out to be more challenging and time consuming than Honey thought possible. Within a year, Honey was considered her mother's protégé, and taking on her own charity interests. Several aid organizations had scurried to gain her patronage. Inadvertently, this had caused her first big blow up with Trixie, who thought Honey's training would be useful in their detective agency when she finally finished school. Honey had informed her friend that she no longer had any interest in such a profession and was happy with her life. Trixie had snorted at such a suggestion.

A year later everything had changed. Honey's relationship with her boyfriend was stronger than ever. For the first time in her life, Honey felt needed and wanted for herself. Her skills as a hostess were in constant demand. She didn't have to share the limelight with anyone and she couldn't see any point in changing her almost perfect lifestyle. Considering such a dangerous job, a career in investigation was simply out of the question. Once again Trixie had summed up the situation.

'Can't you see, Honey,' Trixie had told her in what sounded like a superior voice at the time, 'this is all you boyfriends thoughts and ideas because he doesn't want you involved in a career he believes is "unladylike" and will damage his reputation.'

_Just as you did with Patty and Jim_, Honey realised, _you went about convincing me the wrong way. Attacking my fiancée's motives wasn't the best way to get my attention or make your point_. In fact it had ended in an argument which cooled their friendship for several years. _It was only at the beginning of this year that you apologised_. Honey remembered the out-of-the-blue call from Trixie six months ago, _and we started talking again. Clever Trixie, very clever. You finally got me thinking about what you said all those years ago_.

_So now it had come to this_, Honey thought as she pulled up in front of the hospital. Butterfly's flitted across her stomach as apprehension griped her for a moment. Steeling herself, Honey drew in a deep breath and stepped out of the car and onto the pavement. Each step inside the ten story building was agony, as Honey was recognised by at least a dozen people.

_I guess that's all part and parcel of being engaged to the hospitals youngest consultant__. _

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This was written along time ago...not sure when the next chapter will be published.


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